


Butterflies and Hurricanes

by Melody_Of_The_River



Series: Bottom Erwin Week 2019 [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Basically a fic that goes through all the major events of the Eruri domestic life in canon, Bottom Erwin Smith, Bottom Erwin Week 2019, Canon Universe, Day 3: Domestic, Fluff, Including the 'Only One Room', M/M, Married Couple, Married Life, Phantom Limb Pain, Post-RTS, Sexual Content, Smut, Titan Erwin Smith, Titanwin, post-ACWNR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 15:24:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19212214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melody_Of_The_River/pseuds/Melody_Of_The_River
Summary: In the end, he always finds his way back to Erwin, back to their room. Back home.Fuck, if these walls could talk, the tales this room would tell…





	Butterflies and Hurricanes

**Author's Note:**

> Self-indulgent from start to finish. A collection of all the soft moments I wanted from Canon Eruri, some based on official art and some on my headcanons.
> 
> A million and one thanks to the awesome tidal-sehnsucht ([Tumblr](https://tidal-sehnsucht.tumblr.com/) [AO3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crownlessk_ing/pseuds/crownlessk_ing)) for beta-ing this fic, even though he's so busy these days!❤️ This fic is a sort of companion to his art for Day 3 of Bottom Erwin Week which you can find [here](https://twitter.com/crownlessk_ing/status/1138594534974251008)
> 
> My Tumblr is [melodyoftheriver](https://melodyoftheriver.tumblr.com/) where I post more Eruri nonsense~

**845**

**January**

Breakfast today is porridge.

It’s been porridge for _weeks_ now and Levi is damn near tired of this disgusting excuse for food – it’s grey, with little lumps of greenish-blue in it that Levi _assumes_ are vegetables; it smells _awful_ , and when Levi scoops it up with a spoon, it falls back with a gross slimy noise that makes him want to throw up last night’s dinner. He’s had worse – of course he’s had worse, he comes from the underground for fuck’s sake, but a year in the Survey Corps has gotten him used to well-cooked meals, slices of bread once a day, and occasionally, some meat when the stars align. The new budget-cut, though, is rough, and the kitchens are certainly seeing the worst of it.

Erwin, on the other hand, seems pretty unperturbed by the whole ordeal – much to Levi’s annoyance. He slumps down in the chair next to Levi, setting down his own plate filled to the brim with the disgusting grey stuff. Levi winces.

“What?” Erwin asks innocently, “I’m bigger than you, alright.”

“Ugh, I just don’t understand how you can stomach that stuff,” Levi cringes as Erwin brings a spoonful to his mouth, and _chews_. There’s supposed to be no chewing in porridge. _Disgusting_.

“It’s just for another week, Levi,” Erwin assures him, voice muffled around a mouthful of porridge, “This new deal I’m working on is going to go way better than the last one. Far less ODM malfunctions, and yes, better food.”

“Hm,” Levi acknowledges him, picking up his own spoon and chewing sadly. They see Hange and Mike walk through the entrance of the hall and Erwin waves at them to call them to their table. Mike sees them, but walks away, choosing instead to sit at a table farthest from the two. Hange sighs and walks over begrudgingly, taking a seat at their table. She has dark circles underneath her eyes – well, they’re darker than usual anyway – and she glares at Levi when he points it out.

“What’s gotten into you today, four-eyes?”

Hange glowers at him again, and opens her mouth to let out the most dead-panned imitation of Levi’s voice – moaning: “ _Oh, Erwin_ ,” she says, eyes still fixed like daggers on the two of them. She changes her pitch: " _Oh, Levi,”_ she says, expression unamused and downright angry. Levi blushes a deep scarlet red, and Erwin chokes on his food.

“H-Hange–” he clears out his throat, trying to offer a light-hearted laugh to pacify her but she cuts him off.

“No!” she declares, “No more nice apologies from you. You guys do this _every night_!”

“Come on, four-eyes, we weren’t being _that_ loud,” Levi says incredulously.

“ _Not that loud!?”_ Hange almost shrieks, “The fucking recruits _-_ the _recruits_ \- hold bets for who tops every night!”

Levi’s expression is absolutely mortified at this point, and he looks over Hange’s shoulder to see where she’s pointing, and sure enough, there is some exchange of money going on. One of the recruits catches Levi staring and nudges his friend with his shoulder to sit straighter. Levi narrows his eyes threateningly.

“Look, I’m not telling you guys to stop fucking or whatever,” Hange says and Erwin’s mouth falls open at her crudeness; there are not many people who can talk to Erwin like that, but Hange has never been one for respecting titles. “You guys need to move into another room. A room that is _not_ next to mine.”

“Hange, there really aren’t that many rooms available –” Levi begins.

“Yes, there are. Erwin’s room is the most secluded one in the barracks. Just move your stuff there.”

“Don’t be stupid, I can’t just move into Erwin’s room –”

“Why not?” Hange challenges.

“Well…” Levi grapples for an excuse, “He has work to do.”

She scoffs dismissively. “He’ll save more time if he doesn’t have to come looking for _you_ every night.”

“Mike lives in the room next to his,” Levi tries again.

“So?” Hange counters, “You had no problem with it when it was me next door. And besides he’ll just move into your room when you move out. That’s even better actually. You guys can take down the separating wall and just have a suite to yourselves. A fucking _suite_ ,” Hange laughs. “A suite for you to _fuck_ in.”  

Levi rolls his eyes at her. “It’s not that simple,” he begins, “I don’t–”

“Levi,” Erwin interrupts him. “I think Hange may be right… There are only two rooms in the East Wing, mine and Mike’s, and I’m sure Mike wouldn’t mind if we asked him to move…”

“You’re taking her side on this?” Levi accuses.

“I just think it would be better for both parties –”

“And the Survey Corps, at large,” Hange joins in.

“– and the Survey Corps, at large,” he agrees, “if we moved into the same room.”

Levi scowls at him, a look that makes Erwin almost afraid of what the man might do to him later for agreeing with Hange’s suggestion. “You both are unbelievable,” he says, with a shake of his head.

“You know it makes sense, Levi…” Hange points out, “I can see it on your face.”

“You know what I can see on _your_ face, Hange?” he retorts, pointing towards the layer of grime on the frame of her glasses.

“Now you’re just avoiding the subject,” she says. “Looks like someone has _issues.”_

“I do _not_ have an issue with moving in with Erwin,” Levi declares finally, tone the farthest thing from final, and Erwin smiles softly at his outburst.

Hange moves from her seat, chair scraping loudly against the floor. “Think about it, shorty,” she says, walking towards Mike’s table, where the man is eating alone, scrunching up his nose at every newcomer.

“Why isn’t Mike joining us?” Erwin asks as she leaves.

Hange makes a disgusted face. “He can _smell_ you two,” she replies, prompting Levi to turn the darkest shade of red Erwin has ever seen on him in public.

 

**March**

Levi finishes moving all his stuff into Erwin’s room on the first day of spring. There’s not much to move in, to be honest; everything Levi owns is enclosed neatly in barely a cardboard box or two. His clothes go in with Erwin’s, his uniforms hang next to Erwin’s coats on the hangers, and his cravats lie in a little drawer beside Erwin’s bolo ties. He has no mementos – not even from Farlan or Isabel – no decorations, and no sentimental possessions.

They haven’t been seeing each other for very long but, by how clean and empty Levi’s room is every time Erwin visits, he really should have seen this coming. It saddens Erwin, Levi’s lack of personal belongings. It suddenly hits him that Levi has nothing to remember Isabel and Farlan by, and if Erwin dies tomorrow, he would have nothing to remember him by either. It’s a sad, morbid thought that his over-analyzing brain really should _not_ be thinking, but for the next week, it’s all he can think about. He wants to buy things for Levi, things he would cherish, things that would remind Levi of him when he goes away. He wants to make Levi smile that rare smile of his, and chide Erwin for spending money on him. He wants to fill their room with things they both own; he wants to make Levi happy. So, on the night that Levi finally finishes moving all his stuff into their room and arranges everything in that particular order he is so fond of, Erwin goes out to buy him a present.

They haven’t been seeing each other for very long, but it really is no excuse for Erwin to find himself so clueless when looking for a gift for Levi. There’s not much that Levi likes anyway – his approval is only a lack of disapproval, and it’s so hard to discern which is which even for someone who watches his every move so attentively. Erwin scours the shops – going through a wide variety of cleaning products and cravats, but there’s not much that Levi doesn’t have. Erwin is almost about to give up and go home when by chance, he stumbles into a narrow alley behind a popular restaurant, and spots a small shop at the end of it. A faint glow illuminates the space beneath the wooden door and the sign on it says “ _Adelaide’s café_ ” in a loopy, elegant font. He hasn’t eaten all day, and he’s starving for a cup of coffee, so he takes a chance on it and walks inside.

The bell above the door announces his arrival to the owners of the shop, and he hears an old tired voice come from the inside.

“Yes?” it says, “What is it you want, son?”

Erwin steps inside and closes the door behind him. “I was hoping to buy a cup of coffee from your fine establishment, sir,” he says.

A man laughs wearily. “Well, aren’t you well spoken? Sit down, and I’ll get you a cup. Three gold coins for a black, an extra coin if you want milk.”

“I’ll have the black, thank you,” Erwin says, and sits down at the table. The shop is modest, to say the least – barely three tables and a counter where an old man sits. It’s lit by a few meagre lanterns which are close to dying out, and wax riddles the floors beneath them. The old man shuffles behind the counter, and Erwin hears the sound of him putting on a fresh brew for him, tinkering with the cups. The clinking feels almost too loud in the secluded quiet. When the man comes out, holding a cup of coffee in one hand and a wooden cane in the other, Erwin stands to help the man to his table.

“No, no, there’s no need, son, I can manage just fine on my own,” he protests, but Erwin ignores him, setting down the cup of coffee on his table and helping the man to a chair beside him. The man sits down, panting heavily – just the walk from the counter to the table having exhausted him – and he thanks Erwin for his help.

“It’s been so long since I’ve seen a customer around here,” the man sighs. “And I can’t even serve him a drink properly. How pitiable.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Erwin assures him, sitting down on the chair beside the old man, and taking a sip from his cup of coffee. It’s good coffee – not the best he’s ever had, but he’s tired enough that a single sip from it is enough to breathe life back into his bones.

“I’m getting too old for this,” the man grumbles out, “I should close this shop already… it’s not like I have many customers anyway…”

“Why haven’t you?” Erwin asks kindly, “Closed the shop, I mean. If it’s not too forward of me to ask,” he says, and the man huffs out another sigh at his question.

“It’s my wife’s shop, really,” he replies, “I’m just looking after it for her.”

“Ah I see,” Erwin takes another sip, “And where _is_ your wife, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Oh, Adelaide? Huh, she –” the man coughs, “she died about seven years ago.”

“Oh,” Erwin pauses, putting down his cup. “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“No, no. Don’t apologize, boy,” the man grunts out a laugh. “I’m going to join her soon anyway, ha.”

Erwin smiles awkwardly, not knowing how to react to that statement, so he just brings his cup back to his mouth and takes another sip.

“What brings you here, then?” the man asks.

“Oh, I’m –” Erwin begins, “I was looking for a present.”

“Ah,” the man nods knowingly, his eyes gleaming with intrigue. “Someone special to you?” he asks.

“Yes,” Erwin laughs. “Very much so.”

“But… you’re empty-handed and spending your evening at my _not-so-fine_ establishment so, I’m guessing you didn’t find anything?”

“No, sir, I did not,” he replies, disappointed.

“Hmph,” the man grunts, pauses for contemplation before standing up again. Erwin almost gets up from his chair but the man waves at him dismissively, and mutters out an “I’ll manage, you wait here.” Erwin takes the man at his word, wary as it is, and tries to finish his coffee quickly. The man disappears behind the counter again, and when he comes back, there’s a small papered object in his hand.

“I’ve been meaning to find someone to hand this over to,” he explains, “I don’t want it getting thrown away with my other stuff when I die.”

The man limps over back to Erwin’s side and grabs his hand with his own wrinkly ones. He places the object in Erwin’s palm and nods at him to open it. Erwin stares confusedly at him for a moment before the man nudges him angrily with the top of his cane to tell him to get a move on. Erwin laughs and tears open the plain brown packaging, removing the square cardboard box from inside. He smiles at the man before opening the lid of the box and gently picking up the object enclosed within.

Lying inside is the most gorgeous teacup Erwin has ever seen. Erwin handles it carefully, turning it around to see the beautiful blue-green-gold patterns all across its surface. They swirl around in wavy lines, ebbing and flowing like water on a river bank. The cup is made of the most delicate china Erwin has ever held, and in the low light of the lantern, the designs seem to dance around on the surface of the cup, the gold shining exquisitely through the blue.

“It’s beautiful,” Erwin marvels in awe and the man laughs again.

“Quite something, isn’t it?” he says, “My Adelaide designed it herself.”

“Really?”

“Oh, yes, my wife was quite the artisan,” he replies.

“It’s breathtaking, truly.”

“Hm,” he agrees, “Good enough for whomever you want to buy a present for?”

“You’re willing to give it to me?” Erwin’s mouth falls open.

The man bellows out a low laugh at his reaction, coughing, “Well, of course. Why else would I show it to you? You think this is a museum or something, kid?”

“No, no,” Erwin chuckles, “it’s just that… this is… so precious. And your wife made it herself. Wouldn’t you like to keep it?” 

The man pauses on that question for a long moment, thinking his answer through before replying. “I’ve thought about giving this cup away for many years now,” he says, “Never could find the courage. I wanted to keep this last bit of Adelaide for myself, but I’ve gotten so old now… and we’ve got no children either. I’d hate myself for losing it and I don’t want it to be forgotten. Or destroyed. And you seem like a good man. I think it’s time... I give this cup to another pair of lovers…

You’d take care of it, wouldn’t you?”

The old man stares at him for an answer, such a soft, expectant look on his face that Erwin can’t help but want to reassure him with a confident, “Of course,” that makes the old wrinkly face light up into another smile.

“Good man,” he says, as he moves back up from his chair. “Leave the money on the table, please, I’ll collect it later.”

“How much for the cup?” Erwin asks.

“The cup?” the man questions incredulously, “Hmph. It’s priceless.”

“But I insist, you must take something for the cup –”

“Boy,” he orders, sterner this time. “Cherish the person you’re with. Make them happy… That’s all the price I will ask for,” the man mumbles sleepily as he turns to sit behind the counter again. “Now go, before I can change my mind.”

Erwin stammers on his “Thank you,” as he leaves the money on the table – an extra gold coin, even despite the man’s insistence – and makes his way out of the shop, teacup nestled safely at his side, all the way back to his room.

 

When he finally shows Levi the cup, late at night when they’re both just about to head to bed, Levi stares at Erwin’s outstretched hand for a long time, eyebrows knitted in confusion.

“It’s for you,” Erwin explains.

“What do you mean _it’s for me_?” Levi interrogates.

“It’s a present.”

“Why’re you giving me a present?”

“Just am,” Erwin smiles.

Levi narrows his eyes, and Erwin suppresses a smile as he takes Levi’s palm and places the box – now wrapped in fancier paper - in it. Levi mumbles something about a ‘ _waste of money_ ’ and begrudgingly slumps down on their bed next to Erwin to open the gift. When he finally takes out the teacup from its packaging, the gasp Levi utters is like nothing Erwin has ever heard before, and it makes all the toiling of the day worth it for that single awed expression.

“It’s beautiful,” Levi reiterates Erwin’s statement from the shop, “Where on Earth did you find something like this?”

Erwin smiles coyly, pressing a gentle kiss to Levi’s flushed cheek. “I have my sources,” he lies.

Levi never takes tea in any other cup besides that one after that, and Erwin wonders who Levi would gift it to after he’s gone.

 

**April**

There are things you don’t really understand about a lover until you begin living with them, things that are at once endearing and insufferable.

Erwin is insufferable on most days.

Levi was under no illusions about Erwin’s standard of cleanliness from the beginning of their relationship, but he had no idea it had deteriorated to _such_ a state. The man is an absolute wreck. Levi has seen cadets with better organization than him. His work table is an endless pit of useless papers, piled messily on top of one another, and many a book has found itself lost to the void in it. It takes Levi several days to form some semblance of a filing system for Erwin, and even longer to retrieve all the books gone missing in the drawers of his desk and give them a new home in the bookcases Levi builds himself. Good thing Erwin had been called for a hearing to Karanes that week or else he would never have gotten anything done. When he returns, finding his room – no, _their_ room – absolutely refurbished, the dumbfounded look on his face is almost enough to let Levi forgive him. Levi manages to get a few insults out before Erwin crosses the room towards him and places the most routine, everyday kiss to the top of his head, the type of kisses that always fill Levi with an overwhelming sense of adoration for the man from the sheer domesticity of it. “Thank you, Levi,” Erwin murmurs against his soft hair, breath brushing sweaty bangs from his face, “I’m sorry I made such a mess of the place.”

Levi clears his throat. “’S fine,” he mumbles.

Goddamn insufferable.

 

**July**

Erwin has so many books that he has forgotten the titles of most of them. Sometimes he finds a book on one of the many new shelves in their rooms, and Levi watches him struggle to recall when or where he bought it, or what it was even about. His eyebrows knit together in confusion almost comically, and he flips the book over before retrieving his reading glasses from the table and shuffling through the first few pages. In the end, he decides he needs to reread the book, places it in the drawer in his desk and goes back to work. When he leaves the desk, Levi tiptoes to the table and removes the book from the drawer and places it neatly back in its slot on the shelf. Levi has been living with Erwin long enough to know that once a book goes into Erwin’s drawers, it is never coming out of there.

But once in a while, something different happens. Erwin finds a book he hasn’t seen in _forever_ and calls Levi from where he’s lounging on the sofa, because he _needs_ to share it with him. The goddamn childish look of excitement on Erwin’s face when this happens is so irresistible that Levi can’t help but succumb to it every time.

This is the endearing part of living with Erwin.

Levi isn’t as fond of books as Erwin is. Paper was scarce in the Underground and Levi never learnt to read or write for the first twenty or so years of his life. Erwin started teaching him when they got close, but Levi still isn’t as good at it as he would like. But it’s not something he loses much sleep over – literacy clearly isn’t compulsory to join the Survey Corps. Only lunacy is.

Erwin opens the book in his lap, and pulls up a chair for Levi to sit in. “Oh, I haven’t seen this one in _forever_ ,” Erwin exclaims, and Levi smiles; _I know, you idiot_ , he thinks.

Today it is a lovely, old book with rough covers that have a million creases in them – showing Levi that the book was well-loved by its owner. “It’s my father’s,” Erwin muses, hands moving gently over the pages, fingers tracing the black-and-white drawings. Erwin’s eyes move up to Levi’s when he scoots his chair closer to him, and Levi freezes.

“Do you want to hold it?” Erwin asks.

“Uh, okay,” Levi replies, unsure, “I guess…”

Erwin chuckles a little and places the old book in Levi’s lap. The spine is badly broken and the pages overflow between the covers. It doesn’t really seem like a book, more like a…

“It’s a diary,” Erwin explains, “My father used to sew in the new pages, that’s why it’s so worn out.”

Levi nods, and looks back to the drawings in the book. There are all sorts of things here, from flowers whose names Levi doesn’t know, to buildings he has never seen and lakes he has never been to; marketplaces and people and children. He shuffles through the pages, handling them as delicately as he can, and pauses when he stumbles upon various drawings of the same fair-haired child.

“Is this…?” Levi begins.

“Yeah,” Erwin smiles, “That’s me.”

Levi traces his fingers over the little notes beneath each drawing, all written in the same neat handwriting.

“Read them to me,” he says, and Erwin obliges dutifully.  

“ _July_ _816,”_ one of them says, “ _Erwin, age 4, meadow in northern Utopia_.” The drawing above it shows a chubby-cheeked kid smiling with his eyes closed and holding a giant sunflower in one hand. Another one shows the same boy sleeping with his head on the desk and a description that says, “ _November_ _823\. I had to stay late at the school to finish up some work. Erwin went to sleep on my work desk._ ” On and on it goes, for pages and pages, each drawing showing Erwin through the years – two, four, six, eight – before stopping at eleven. The last drawing is one of Erwin, sitting on a stool, dressed in a handsome black suit, bow-tie at the neck. “ _May 823._ _Erwin, age 11. Final day of his sixth school year. I am so proud of my boy.”_

“What happened to him?” Levi asks softly, “Your father?”

Erwin pauses for a long second and Levi looks up when he doesn’t reply. “He, um…” Erwin begins. Inhales, breathes out. “He died. When I was eleven.”

Levi moves his chair closer to Erwin, so that now their knees are almost touching, and lazily lays his head on Erwin’s shoulder. He doesn’t ask how; he knows Erwin will tell him when he needs to. For now, he lets the new secret rest in the air between them, feeling somehow closer now that Erwin has told him this and shown him such a personal part of his life.

 

“Can _you_ draw?” Levi asks after a while, tilting his head on Erwin’s shoulder to look at him. The man is still staring at Levi, a lazy smile on his face, gaze nowhere even near the drawings. Damn him and his easy smiles. They never fail to take the breath out of Levi.

“My father taught me how to when I was younger, but I’m not very good at it anymore. I kept up the hobby until I joined the Survey Corps,” Erwin explains, “Didn’t have time after that.”

Levi hums softly and turns his eyes back to the book. “You should learn to draw again. These are…very beautiful…” he says, stroking the drawings reverently. He feels Erwin’s hand reach up to move through his hair and Levi presses his head back into it. Erwin’s lips move to brush against Levi’s hair.

“Anything for you, Levi,” he murmurs softly, as Levi sleepily shuffles through all of the drawings again.

 

**December**

There’s an old saying Levi is quite fond of: _Fortune doesn’t come twice. Misfortune doesn’t come alone_. When the Wall falls, it’s all Levi can think about. So foolish of him to think that his bliss could last forever.

Levi finds Erwin standing atop Wall Rose, drenched in blood from head to toe, every inch of his clothing dripping thick red on grey stone, every pore of his skin burning from the sheer heat of the Titan blood that envelops him. The man is staring out towards an empty field that in a few short hours will be teeming with Titans, eyes scanning the horizon, and Levi knows… he’s waiting.

“Erwin, that’s enough, we need to go now,” Levi scolds him, wrapping an arm around the man’s frame and pulling. Erwin hardly budges from his place. He opens his mouth to say something, but his throat is dry with thirst, and it takes a few coughs before his mangled voice manages to reach Levi, and even then, it comes out hoarse.

“We have to wait,” he says, panting for air after every few syllables, “There could be –” he gulps, “survivors.”

“That’s not our job anymore,” Levi says, sterner than before, “If anyone is still out there, the Garrison will open the gates to let them in.”

“But…” he coughs again, and a little bit of blood trickles down his chin, “We have to wait, Levi. They’re going to need our help.” The man’s eyes never stray from the horizon once. “We have to save everyone we can. We can’t leave when – when there –” his voice breaks, “there are still people out there.”

“Yes, _I know_ , Erwin,” Levi tries again, softer this time, “and when they come, _the Garrison_ will open the gates for them. _Our_ job is done. We got as many people home as we could.”

“How many?” Erwin asks.

“Excuse me?”

“How many people did we bring back.”

A pause. “Three thousand,” he says.

“And how many did we leave with?”

Levi’s throat closes up. “Two hundred and fifty thousand people.”

Erwin nods slowly, and finally tears his eyes away from the sky, turning his head around to look at Levi, eyes red and swollen under all that blood and grime, two bright blue irises staring back at him, welling up with tears.

“Erwin?” Levi asks, worried.

“Is this it?” he chokes out, “Is _this_ all we could have done?”

Levi swallows.

“Yes. There’s nothing more for us to do now,” he replies.

Erwin goes quiet for a while at that, and for a minute, the only sound between them is the noisy flapping of their cloaks against the wind. When he speaks again, it’s a sad, simple “I see,” before unbuckling the straps of his gear and letting his gas tanks and blades fall to the ground with a loud clang. Levi watches as he unties his cloak from around his neck, draping the tattered thing across his arm and wincing in pain as he places both hands on the floor and sits down with his legs crossed.

“We’re supposed to be,” he sighs defeatedly, “ _the_ _glory of humanity_ …”

A scoff.

“Some glory we are,” he says, “Cowering behind the walls when the very humanity we swore to protect is being devoured by Titans. How can you just stand there and tell me to leave when there could still be people out there?” his voice trembles out, and through the blood that is evaporating on his face, Levi can see the lines his tears make down his cheeks. He lowers his head and stares into his lap. The wind roars around them so loudly that Levi can hardly hear his next words:

“How could I live with myself,” he says, “if I left and there was still somebody who needed my help?”

Levi has never heard Erwin like this before – so weak and vulnerable. It’s such a contrast from his usual stoic and commanding presence, that Levi reels back a little under the weight of it. He doesn’t think he has ever seen Erwin out of his perfectly sculpted stone façade, but right here, right now, he looks so small and pained and _human_. Childlike almost, and Levi pities the poor man. He sighs and takes off his own cleaner cloak, wrapping it around Erwin’s shivering shoulders as the blood rises from his body in clouds of steam. He sets his own blades and gas tanks next to Erwin’s and lowers himself until he is at eye-level with the man. He cups Erwin's cheek, softly turning his face around to meet him. Erwin’s eyes stay rooted to the ground.

“We all pick our battles, Erwin,” Levi soothes him, “And you know more than I do what a pointless battle can cost humanity. There’s no point to you staying up here. You can’t help anyone in your condition, least of all yourself, and if you try to, you’ll _die_ ,” Levi scolds, bringing both his hands to envelop Erwin’s face, “And _that..._ is a cost too great for humanity.”

“You put too much faith in me, Levi,” Erwin sighs tiredly.

“No,” he replies, “Not any more than you deserve.” He brings an arm around the man’s frame, smothering Erwin’s head in his chest. He feels Erwin’s shoulders shake against him, quiet sobs against his body, and he moves his hand up and down Erwin’s back, shushing him with a kiss to his muddied blond hair.

“You’re trying to save people, I know,” he says, “and you have. Thousands of them, who are more grateful to you than you know…” Erwin’s sniffles quiet down and Levi takes this as his chance, “But you can’t save anyone if you starve to death on the top of Wall Rose, you idiot.”

Levi thinks he hears a soft chuckle bubble through Erwin’s chest, and he smiles against the man’s hair before continuing. “We need our Commander,” he says, “Now more than ever. The people are scared. They’re panicking. Nobody knows what will come after this. And I know you didn’t ask for this, and I _know_ it’s cruel of us to make you carry this burden, but _no one_ else can help us right now but you. You understand what I’m saying?”

Erwin sighs, and nods his head softly against Levi’s chest. Levi’s arms start to loosen around Erwin’s frame and he thinks it’s done; their five minutes of sincerity are over. He has told Erwin what he needed to hear, and once they come down from this Wall, they’ll go back to what they used to be. But as soon as he’s about to move his arms, Erwin wraps his own around Levi’s frame and keeps him there.

“ _Please help me, Levi_ ,” he asks, voice pained and broken. “You’ll help me, won’t you?”

 

Something akin to fear takes hold of Levi.

Erwin Smith is the one unwavering pillar of his world, infallible, inhuman; the Devil reincarnate. The man to believe in and the man to blame. He is a god, of that Levi is sure, and gods do not _yield_ . It scares Levi beyond anything he’s ever known, to see this statue of a man dissolve into this heaving, sobbing, pleading mess. It reminds Levi that Erwin Smith is a _man_ , first and foremost – human, beyond any flicker of doubt – and Levi _hates_ being reminded of that. Because it reminds him that no matter how omnipotent Erwin Smith may seem, there _is_ a limit to his ability. Who helps this man when that limit is crossed? Who picks up the pieces to keep him sane? Who takes up the burden of Erwin Smith so that Erwin Smith can take up the burden of the world?

Erwin has laid down all his cards in front of Levi now, eyes pleading for answer. Denying him one would be cruel, and Levi is not a cruel man; he has never been.

 

“Yes,” he says, heartfelt and true, “Of course, I will, Erwin. You can count on me.”

 

 

**846**

**January**

Levi becomes Captain on the first day of the year.

It’s a decision that comes as a shocker to most, but the scouts, at the very least, are not surprised, neither are the three thousand survivors of the Reclamation Mission. They have all stood witness to Levi’s ungodly ability, and none dare object when Erwin announces him as his Captain. It is the nobility that is displeased. The idea that a man from the slums of the Underworld could not only hold his ground in the Survey Corps but also rise through the ranks so quickly to become the Commander’s right-hand man is an unsettling one. It challenges the hierarchy, their delicately constructed illusion of power, the very structure of their very society… yet still they are quick to dismiss it, snickering behind Erwin’s back as he walks with Levi in tow, head held high despite the insults they spew at him. They call him a rat behind his back – and to his face – thinking it diminishes Erwin’s respect for Levi or Levi’s value to him. They do not understand loyalty. Faith, honor, love – these are things they will never know or have need for. But life works differently once you’ve crossed paths with Death and survived; you do not abandon the man that saves you.

It’s nothing they would ever understand, but Erwin hardly seems to care, delighted by their frustration when he refuses to submit to their ploys when it comes to Levi. They bite their nails in agitation and curse under their breaths as they watch them succeed; rehabilitating three thousand unlawfully drafted traumatized civilians within the Walls is no easy task, but they pull through nevertheless. And it’s not long before the title “Humanity’s Strongest” is on everyone’s lips. Legends begin to be woven, deformed by word of mouth, until barely anyone remembers that the title belongs to a little dark-haired man named Captain Levi. The tide of change is upon them, slow but sure, and the nobility quivers in their seats for everyone now knows what they have _done_. They do not understand love, but they will come to understand fear, if Erwin Smith has anything to do with it.

 

**June**

It’s a subtle change to their relationship, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, but as the summer sets in, Levi finds himself sinking deeper and deeper into Erwin’s world. It starts with a humble invitation for tea in the briefing room, asking Levi to stay over after all the Squad Leaders have left. It’s an innocent request, and in the beginning, Levi thinks it’s only because Erwin would like not to be left alone with all his papers just yet. He accepts it once, then again, and then again, and just like that, the polite, unsuspicious offers settle so slyly into routine it gives Levi whiplash. Days turn into weeks and weeks into months, and suddenly it’s been ages since the two have had a dinner that did not involve funding or casualties or long-distance formations. And Levi gets it, honestly, he does. Erwin is a Commander now, and Levi isn’t so unreasonable to expect the same things from _Commander_ Erwin that he did from _Squad Leader_ Erwin. Any time Erwin doesn’t spend working he spends sleeping on his chair in the office, and it’s been months since they’ve slept in the same bed together. But Levi _understands_ . He _understands_ the necessity of Erwin’s behavior, he _understands_ how hard he’s working, how crucial it is for him to secure funds for the Survey Corps, especially in these tumultuous times. But there’s a part of Levi that can’t help but be bitter about it, that can’t help wanting to steal Erwin away and lock him behind their doors where none of his _duties_ or his _responsibilities_ could ever touch him.

But most days, he just sits in Erwin’s office, dutifully dictating numbers to him which Erwin neatly scribbles down with a swish of his pen – and Levi wonders how in the hell he let their relationship get this way,

“How much did we spend on ODM gear this month?” Erwin asks.

Levi shuffles around some papers. “Eh… Thirteen thousand… seven hundred and fifty-three gold coins.”

Erwin’s scribbles it down onto the report. “What about Hange’s research?”

More shuffling. “Nine hundred and seventy-five.”

“Good,” he nods, “It’s lesser than last time, at least. Moblit is finally getting her to start budgeting, I suppose.”

Levi grunts in agreement. “I may have had something to do with that,” he mutters as he turns a page over and sees the next list of numbers.

 

It’s not comfortable, Erwin’s world. It’s vindictive and vicious and abhorrently corrupt; you close your eyes for a second and the vultures show no mercy as they peck at your flesh. Levi would rather take on a hoard of Titans, he would rather deal with the gangs of the Underground – because at least that is a hell whose rules he is familiar with. This, Erwin’s hell, is lawless. Anything is acceptable, no matter how depraved. And in all the chaos, there is but one man standing between the Survey Corps and this mountain of shit.

Any man would go mad. But Erwin Smith is not any man.

 

“Levi…?” Erwin says softly, putting down his pen.

“Yeah?” Levi turns his head towards him.

“Are you alright?” he asks, concerned, “I asked you how much we spent on horses this month.”

“Ah, right,” Levi clears his throat, “I’m sorry, I was… elsewhere.”

Erwin smiles. “No need to apologize,” he says, picking up his quill again, “You’re alright to go on, though, right?”

“Yes,” Levi says. “Of course,” he looks down at the lists and resumes, “… five hundred and seventy-six coins on horses… three hundred on stables… a hundred and fifty…” and on and on and on.

 

**September**

Six months pass in the blink of an eye, and the night before their first expedition since the Massacre of Wall Maria looms before them, long and unsettling, their dreams filled with horrors of what’s to come. Nobody sleeps that night. Erwin and Levi play a game of chess.

“Don’t fuck with me, Erwin,” he hisses at him, bitterly arranging the pieces on the board for their sixth match. It’s Levi’s fifth loss in under an hour. Erwin laughs freely and the sound reverberates against the walls of his office. Levi huffs, annoyed, and the candle flame flickers a little in protest. Erwin moves the candle towards himself a little, a lazy smirk on his face. The light sets the irises of his eyes aflame. Levi can’t stop the chill that passes through him at that.

“I won fair and square, Levi,” Erwin drawls, bringing a hand up to his mouth to stifle a yawn.

“I don’t know how but you cheated, you sly son of a bitch,” Levi says, no real venom in his tone, and Erwin laughs again. “ _Why_ are you laughing?” Levi looks up with an offended frown, “I just learnt this stupid game an hour ago, cut me some slack, will you? Go easy on me.”

“I am, I am,” Erwin says, through another fit of giggles, “But you’re just –” he hiccups, “you’re just…”

“Go on, say it, I dare you.”

“I’m sorry, Levi, but you’re not very good at this,” Erwin smiles.

“Oh, fuck you,” Levi clicks his tongue, “I’m out.” The chair scrapes across the floor noisily and Levi turns to walk away, chess pieces already forgotten. Erwin’s hand moves before he can even think, wrapping around Levi’s wrist as he laughs breathlessly.

“Where are you _even_ going?” he chuckles.

“As far away from you as I can, you conniving asshole.”

“Where are you going to go?” Erwin giggles, “We _live_ together.”

“Oh, _do we_ now?” Levi challenges.

“Yes,” Erwin says, laughing breathlessly for no reason at all. “Now come on, sit down, don’t be a sore sport.”

Levi pouts again, sending another fit of giggles through Erwin and slumps back down in annoyance. Erwin lets his arm go and bites at his lip to stop the laughter bubbling through his chest.

“Come on, Levi, just one more game,” Erwin pleads.

“I don’t like your stupid rich man’s game.”

“Fine, fine, fine. We don’t have to play,” he says, “we can do whatever you like,” Erwin whispers.

Levi rolls his eyes, and considers the request for a long moment, long enough that Erwin thinks he has lost this negotiation, but then, Levi nods slowly, and pulls his chair closer to the desk. Erwin sighs, relieved, and leans back in his chair.

“Alright…” he folds his arms across his chest. “What would you like to do, Levi?”

“Can’t we just talk?” Levi’s voice asks timidly in the dark.

“Of course, we can,” Erwin drawls lazily, hand reaching out to tuck a stray hair on Levi’s forehead behind his ear. “What would you like to talk about?”

“Well…” Levi considers.

 

“Tell me what you’d do if we both made it back tomorrow,” he says.

 

Erwin raises an eyebrow at him. “Really, Levi? That’s what we’re going to talk about? Usually it’s me doing all the morbid, depressing talk…”

He moves to pull his hand away but Levi catches it before he can. “No, no,” he pleads, “I want to know. Please, I want to know. Don’t make it sad. Make it nice. Please,” he holds the palm of Erwin’s hand softly to his cheek and presses a firm kiss to the bone under his thumb. The palm is soft and warm and it feels so good against Levi’s cheek that he just wants to melt in it. He doesn’t remember the last time he felt Erwin’s skin against his.

Erwin leans forward on his elbows and takes Levi’s hand in his and presses it to his own cheek too. “Well… If _I_ came back alive tomorrow… I’d give the Commander’s speech like I always do. Tally the death count. Speak to the soldiers, see how they’re grieving. But then…”

“But then?” Levi asks expectantly.

“But _then_ ,” Erwin emphasizes, “After I’m done with that … I’d take you by the hand and lead you back to this room.”

“Then what?”

Erwin smiles at his eagerness, getting pulled into the fantasy he’s weaving – though they both know that if Erwin came back alive tomorrow, he’d be too busy estimating losses and writing eulogies for all his fallen comrades to bring his words to fruition.

“And then,” he kisses Levi’s palm, “I’d take off all your clothes and lay you down on our sheets. And kiss you _everywhere I can_.”

Levi grimaces.

“After the paperwork, of course,” he says.

“No,” Erwin growls, “Fuck the paperwork. If someone gets in my face about reports tomorrow, I’ll just have you against the wall of the briefing room instead. They can see themselves out.”

Levi scoffs, though he cannot lie that the idea has him intrigued. “Well…” Levi gulps, trying to keep himself from getting flustered by Erwin’s words. “You say that now, but…”

“What, you don’t believe what I’m saying?”

Levi smiles a small, sad smile.

“Can you blame me?” he asks.

 

Erwin recoils at that, letting Levi’s hand fall to the table. “You’re the one who asked, Levi…”

“Touché,” he says, picking up his glass of wine and taking a long swig from it.

Erwin raises an eyebrow at him, “I see my company is doing well for your vocabulary, Levi,” he picks up his own glass and sips.

“ _Oh, fuck you_ ,” Levi curses again, and Erwin almost spatters out his drink, “You’re a fucking slave driver, you know that, making me proofread all of your reports. I don’t know half the words you use in that flowery piece of shit…” he grumbles, “ _And_ you don’t pay me!”

Erwin chuckles, “I had no idea you were so dissatisfied with our work arrangement, Levi.”

“I’m not, I’m not,” Levi murmurs, “You’re just…” he gestures vaguely with his free hand.

“I’m what?”

“You’re… fucking annoying!” Levi says exasperatedly, “With your pretty words and your pretty… face and…”

“You think my face is pretty?” Erwin blinks dumbly.

Levi glares at him, a look that tells Erwin to drop the query, and takes another sip from his glass.

“What were we even talking about?” he mutters under his breath.

“I don’t know,” Erwin replies truthfully.

“Ah fuck, I don’t want to wake up with a hangover. Fuck,” Levi settles down his glass and slumps forward onto the table, head cushioned between his folded arms.

“You won’t, you won’t… we haven’t even had much to drink…” Erwin says, lazily setting his own head on the table as well.

“Mhmm…”

“What was that? Levi?”

Levi mumbles a non-answer.

Erwin raises his head a little and hears soft snores from Levi’s side of the table. The man has dozed off. Erwin smiles to himself and extends a hand to push Levi’s bangs behind his ears, his eyes already close, eyeballs moving softly behind the lids. He lets the hair fall and lowers his own head to rest on the table beside Levi, slipping into a dreamless sleep spurred on by Levi’s soft breaths.

 

**October**

_“Where’s Commander Erwin?”_

The mission was a disastrous one, more casualties than they have seen in the last three of them combined, and try as he might, Levi’s voice comes out panicked as he questions the whereabouts of his Commander. The boy standing before him is a recruit – Adam, Levi vaguely remembers his name – and he trembles in his spot when he hears Levi’s bellowing command.

“He’s m-m-missing, sir,” the boy manages to say. “He didn’t come back with the team.”

“When did you last see him?” Levi questions, voice furious and deranged. He knows distantly that he should not be acting like this; Erwin is just a soldier after all and soldiers die in the line of duty. Hundreds of men have perished today, Erwin could have very well been among them. He’s only human after all. But his heart refuses to accept it. Levi prides himself on his rationality, yet right now, all logic escapes him as he grills this boy for answers he does not have. The boy stammers out ‘ _I don’t know, sir_ ’s, one after the other, and Levi turns away from him before his anger can boil into mad frenzy. He wants to hit something. His knuckles ache to land in the soft flesh of Erwin’s jaw, and Levi swears that if the man ever came back…

 

Hange, Mike, Moblit and the rest are already deciding on a successor. They keep their voices hushed, but Levi hears them all the same. In a will Erwin keeps in the top left drawer of his office desk, there are two statements. One, that Mike would succeed him if he were to die in a mission beyond the Walls. Two, if he were to die within the Walls, his killer be found and brought to justice by none other than Captain Levi; the Survey Corps must not be disrupted. The others don’t know about this secret will Erwin has written down, and Levi does not intend to bring it to their attention just yet, for if he does, it would be admitting that Erwin is really, truly gone. And that is a scenario his heart is unwilling to accept.

 

Two hours pass. The entire Survey Corps sits agitated in the mess hall; waiting. _Dead_ , the word echoes in his mind as Levi parts through the crowd of soldiers. _Dead_ , they all whisper to him in hushed, frightened voices. _Dead_ , his ears ring, over and over and over; his worst nightmare. Erwin. Dead.

Three hours. Some people begin to leave. Eyes downcast, hands held up in prayer. They’ve lost all hope already.

Six. The mess hall is almost empty now. People weep for a fallen Commander.

Ten. Hange and Mike are the only ones by his side.

Twelve.

 

He is alone.

 

Levi’s eyes begin to droop, but sleep is a luxury he cannot allow himself just yet. Twenty-four hours – that’s how long the Survey Corps policy allows a missing person to make it back to the Walls before officially declaring them deceased. Sure, no one has ever made it back after more than two hours, but this is Commander Erwin Smith, _for fuck’s sake_! How can people already assume he’s dead? Is this how easily they lose hope? Levi clicks his tongue at the sheer audacity.

Do they know _nothing_?

 

Fourteen hours.

Sixteen.

Eighteen.

Levi waits.

 

As the first light of dawn begins to break, Levi hears shouts and screams. Bell are tolling. There are people running around him, and before Levi really knows what’s going on, Hange has him by the arm and pulling.

“What the hell –”

“It’s Erwin,” she shouts, and the explanation is enough.

There are hundreds of men and women gathered near the gates and Levi pushes them all aside angrily, shoving his way through until he has a clear view of the lone blond riding through, leading a sagging horse through the crowds. The horse is close to death; the poor mare’s leg has a big ugly gash in it, and Levi watches Erwin run a gentle hand through her mane as she collapses on the floor, taking Erwin down with her.

“Erwin!” Levi shouts, as he runs to his side, skidding down to his knees when he reaches him. He takes his face in both his hands, inspecting it. There are some cuts, but none too major. Blood trickles down his forehead and collects above his brow. His eyes are drooping with sleep and exhaustion, and Levi buries his face in his shoulder, right there in the middle of the crowd.

“You’re alright,” he says, “You’re alright, you’re alright, you’re alright,” more so to calm himself than Erwin. Erwin brings a weak hand to Levi’s hair and brushes it back. The crowd is chanting Erwin’s name, the voices of the scouts are shouting in celebration for their Commander, but Levi is deaf to everything but Erwin’s breathing, tired and weak against him, but realer than anything he has ever known.

 

**November**

It’s the sound of Erwin’s razor hitting the edge of the sink that wakes Levi. He moans softly as he turns over onto his back, feeling the sun-warmed sheets against his skin. He watches Erwin shave in the bathroom, the door wide open. He watches as dark blond stubble begins to rain down on the white porcelain. He watches as his smooth skin begins to emerge from underneath, revealing the face that wins funds and heads board-meetings to discuss missions. But Levi longs to hide Erwin back in that half-grown beard of his because that is the version of him that he is around Levi, so young and carefree; an Erwin that brings Levi tea in bed every morning; an Erwin that has made love to him every night since that day he returned unscathed from outside the Wall. It has been so long since they’ve been with each other like that, so passionately, so desperately. After Erwin had come back that day, the soldiers had tried their damndest to surround Erwin in paperwork and keep him in the briefing room long after his post-expedition speech. Levi had watched with narrow eyes, back against the wall farthest from Erwin. But when Erwin continued to ignore him, Levi had pushed himself off the wall with a disappointed sigh and tried to make it out of that claustrophobic room as soon as he could. Not knowing how Erwin had pushed all those soldiers away, not knowing how Erwin was following him… until Levi could hear his firm footsteps behind him. Until he could feel Erwin’s warmth behind his back, hand on his, as he turned the door knob to their room and gently pushed Levi inside. Until Erwin had locked the door behind them, and picked Levi up with a grace of a man far younger than his years, locking lips with Levi’s and slamming him against the wall of their bedroom. Until Erwin had him spread out against the sheets, just like he said he would, lips brushing places that had been starving too long for his touch. Until Erwin had himself buried inside – so deep inside Levi’s body that his loins could still feel the ghost of his weight. Erwin had kept true to his every word. And for the next week or so, the soldiers knew well not to disturb him.

He watches Erwin in the bathroom, trying once more to become the man he is not. Trying once more to become the man the world needs him to be, and Levi wishes he could keep Erwin hidden between his thighs. Keep his body entwined with his, so that he could never leave.

But duty comes before Levi, it always has – Levi has known this from the very first day he laid eyes on him.

Erwin turns his face to the side, shaving his sideburns, and he catches Levi’s eyes looking at him. He smiles that reverent, private smile – the smile that never leaves the vicinity of their four walls – and Levi feels grateful that he has even this. Most people don’t.

Erwin wipes his face on the towel he has hung on his shoulder and slowly makes his way back to Levi, stark naked and jumping up on the bed so unexpectedly that Levi squeals underneath his weight, even as his arms go to wrap around him. They giggle together for a moment and Erwin rubs his cheeks against Levi’s, hands trailing down and removing the annoying sheets from between them until Levi is once again flush against Erwin’s body, naked and rutting against him. Levi’s laugh breaks into a moan when Erwin’s hand finds his cock, and he buries the desperate sound in Erwin’s shoulder - the silence plaguing them slowly dissipating. With their moans, the way they enjoy each other's company, each other’s bodies. With their cries of each other’s names - the way it feels on the tongue to utter a lover’s name. With their fears, the way they confess them so easily when they're so dissolved in each other. With their insecurities, the way they divulge them so simply and so naturally when they are high off each other’s pleasures. And with the declarations of their love, the way they murmur _‘I love you’_ s against heaving chests, trembling lips, panting mouths, and wet cheeks. It’s exhausting – it takes all of them and it breaks all of them – but it builds them back even stronger. So that when all is said and done, and their bodies are heavy and sated and pleased, every bruise hurts less and every blotch of red on Erwin’s skin is a memory – not of pain, but of pleasure.

It's later, when they’re lying in bed, breathless from passion, that Erwin tucks a stray hair behind Levi’s ear and murmurs to his forehead. “We’ve had a bad year, haven’t we?”

Levi laughs. “Yeah,” he says, “Yeah, we have.”

Erwin keeps stroking Levi’s hair, his other hand moving all over his arms, his sides, rubbing gently at his abdomen.

 

“Marry me,” he says suddenly.

 

“What?” Levi sits up on one elbow, head turning around to face Erwin.

“I said, marry me,” he repeats, and Levi’s eyes widen upon hearing it stated again so simply.

“Yeah, I know what you said,” he clicks his tongue.

“I’m asking, Levi,” Erwin takes Levi’s face into his palms, “I’m asking. Right here, right now. No grand gestures. No pretense. Be my husband. Be mine,” he finishes, and Levi wants to laugh in his face. “ _Be mine_ ”? Doesn’t he know that Levi has never been anyone else’s? Doesn’t he realize that there is nothing Erwin could do that would make Levi leave him? Doesn’t he know? Is he that clueless? Levi wants to scream all this in Erwin’s face but he’s looking at him with this hopeful, expectant look in his eye and Levi thinks, not for the first time, that it would be cruel to deny Erwin now.

Levi takes the palm that lies on his cheek into his hand, peppers kisses to it – on the fleshy skin of his hand, on his wrist, up his arm, on his shoulder… until he reaches Erwin’s mouth.

“Alright,” he says as he brings him down for another feverish kiss.

 

**847**

**January**

Erwin assumed the proceedings would be more complicated than this – what, with the Commander of the Survey Corps getting married to his Captain. _Think of the nepotism!_ But when he tells their closest friends, the senior most members of the Survey Corps, asking if they have any objections to the decision, all he gets are congratulations and sad smiles and hopeful pats on the back. Mike hugs Erwin, in a show of affection most uncharacteristic of him, thumping a hand on his shoulder with a “ _I hope neither of you dies before the other_.” Erwin chuckles lightly at that, but his expression grows somber when he realizes the weight behind the words.

Erwin really thought the proceedings would be more complicated than this, but when the day comes, it is just the two of them, dressed in their best clothes, a few of their friends surrounding them. Moblit officiates – for no better reason than that he had gone to a chapel wedding in his childhood. They take their vows – _for better and for worse,_ all of that – and at the end of the day, they sign a document naming each other as their next of kin.

And that is that.

And after they all leave, Levi brews tea for himself and coffee for Erwin, and Erwin takes out the cup that he had gifted Levi in the first week of his moving in. Levi hasn’t used it in very long. Teatime was always something they used to do together, but the past year, there have been more times when they took tea in Erwin’s office than in their room. Bland, officer’s tea served in bland metallic cups. The blue teacup went ignored in the cabinets of their room. But now, Erwin takes it out again, wipes it down with a damp cloth and sets it neatly on their little round table. When Levi comes in with the mug of coffee for Erwin and the steaming pot of tea for himself, his eyes widen seeing the teacup lying on the table, but he doesn’t mention it, only pours the liquid into his cup, and slumps down on the chair next to his _husband_. Erwin makes another vow to himself – an insignificant one compared to all the others they’ve made today – to never let Levi drink tea in any other cup besides this one ever again.

 

**May**

There are things you don’t understand about a lover until you’re _married_ to them, things that are at once endearing and insufferable.

 _His_ Levi is the most endearing creature Erwin has ever met.

He drags him out of the office on days he works too long, leading him all the way from the office buildings to the barracks with no care to who watches. He brings him food on the nights that Erwin misses a meal, forcing him to eat even when he protests. And of course, these are things that Levi always used to do but for some reason, they’re all the more meaningful now that they are _married_. Because now, Erwin sees all those little actions that he had been ignoring for the past year as a manifestation of the vows they made to each other, a vow to serve and protect, a vow to love and care for the rest of their days for as long as the two of them shall live. And there’s no doubt that it’s a fleeting life they lead; every time they ride outside the Walls, Erwin has no guarantee that he would be seeing his husband ever again. But as long as the gods are merciful on them, as long as they keep reuniting them both after every near-certain brush with death, Erwin will keep treasuring these little moments, for they are all they have.

 

  **848**

**February**

They’ve been together for long enough now that one of them waking up earlier in the morning does absolutely nothing to disturb the other’s sleep. Some days it is Erwin who wakes up earlier, removing Levi’s limbs from his torso and making his way to the bathroom. He hears Levi groan behind him, shuffling his body around to rub into the heat that Erwin leaves behind. It takes another half hour before Levi wakes up fully, still rubbing his eyes sleepily as he walks over to Erwin and wraps his naked body around his fully clothed form.

But today it is Levi who gets up early, and by the time Erwin wakes up, he has already left. Today is one of those rare days that Erwin has free; it’s months until the next expedition and he has absolutely no work to do. No annoying paperwork to fill out and no annoying recruits to train. Erwin had been looking forward to staying in bed with Levi until noon, and he finds himself disappointed by the absence of Levi’s body next to him. He climbs out of bed and fishes for something to occupy his time with until Levi can return but all he can really think of is reading. So, he picks up a book and slumps back forward onto his stomach, disinterestedly turning pages until he hears the door unlock and the sound of footsteps walking towards him. He feels the bed dip under Levi’s weight and watches from the corner of his eyes as he takes off his black jacket and removes his shoes to place them neatly beside the bedpost. Erwin himself had not bothered getting dressed today; he’s still in his underwear and white undershirt from last night, and he gives Levi a lazy inquisitive look when he lies down next to him.

“Hey,” Erwin greets lazily to the soft peck Levi places on his forehead, but Levi does not reply, only sighs tiredly and gets rid of his shirt and trousers. Erwin smiles and turns back to the book he was reading – it’s one that he’s read a couple of times before, a novel about some Military Police officer and his ill-fated romance with a young damsel. He is disinterested enough as it is, but when he feels the hand that is tracing patterns down his spine and snaking into his underwear, rubbing smooth circles on his ass, all his remaining attention goes out the window too. But surrendering to Levi’s touch would be too simple, too undignified of him as Commander and so, he lets their game continue for a little while longer.

“Is the book all that interesting, Erwin?” Levi mumbles against his hair.

“Hmm…” Erwin replies coyly, simply enjoying the feeling of Levi’s warm hand against his skin.

 

**849**

**December**

There are not many expeditions scheduled for winter, especially not this winter, because it has been snowing all week, heavier than they have ever seen before. Most of their days are spent in negotiations with people who would rather have the Corps go out in a blizzard and get themselves killed rather than wait for a time when the winter subsides and the missions can continue. And at the end of the week, when they finally get the officials to agree, Erwin finds himself positively exhausted. Levi’s patience was running thin as it is, but now he’s really at the end of his leash. And Erwin decides it would be best for them to take a day off and roam around the city for the night. It’s the most snow they have ever seen in their lifetimes, or will ever see, and the city looks beautiful draped in all that white. The lanterns inside the shops give it a most magical aura, and Erwin doesn’t want anything more than to see it with Levi.

 

“Tch,” Levi exclaims, when they make their way out of a palm reader’s little tent, “That has got to be the biggest load of horse shit I’ve ever heard in my life.”

“Levi…” Erwin complains, wrapping his arm around Levi’s shoulder and pulling him close, “Why do you always take things so seriously? You’re no fun,” he pouts.

“Well, you just downed twenty coins on a goddamned palm reading, so yes, I’m a little salty.”

“I never complain about all the overpriced tea _you_ buy.”

“At least it’s useful.”

“This was useful, too,” Erwin reasons.

“How?”

“It made me happy,” he grins.

They begin walking down the cobblestone street, arms wrapped around one another.

“Well, I could have done that much easier, and I’m free, too.”

Erwin chuckles against Levi’s forehead, and the man continues, “No, honestly, you want your palms read? Fine, give me twenty.”

“What?”

“I’m serious. Give me twenty coins. And I’ll tell you a much more honest fortune.”

Erwin raises his eyebrows at him, then removes his arm from Levi’s, rummaging through his pockets and pulling out two coins of ten each. Levi snatches them and pushes Erwin back against the stone wall of the street they’re walking through. It’s almost midnight; whatever they do – won’t be noticed.

Levi puts the money in the back pocket of his trousers and grabs Erwin’s hand roughly. Erwin smirks at his eagerness, but says nothing as Levi moves the fingers of his other hand over its delicate lines, the marks of ink from all the paperwork Erwin has been buried under lately. The cut across the tendon of his wrist from last mission. And in the middle, the scar that Levi left on him what seems like a lifetime ago now.

Levi says nothing, only brings the scarred palm to his lips and places a gentle kiss on it. He moves his eyes up to Erwin’s and seeing the man looking at him with that enamored expression is enough to make him bolder – as he darts out his tongue to rub into the marred skin, leaving wet traces on the scars and the lines that run from his index finger to the middle of his palm.

In a way, Levi has scammed Erwin even worse than that old palm reader, for he does not even pretend to give him a reading, does not even _pretend_ to know what their future holds. But he gives Erwin something better, something more precious than his twenty coins can account to. He grounds Erwin, lets him enjoy the present with Levi as he rubs warmth back into Erwin’s cold hands. It’s priceless – and Erwin needed it far more than any false assurances about the life to come.

 

**850**

**April**

They’ve had so many good days lately that Levi forgot that in the middle of a war, all happiness is fleeting. But still, he never expected for things to change _this_ fast. In a matter of weeks, the Wall falls again, a boy turns into a Titan, the military decides over the execution of a fifteen-year-old child, Mitras gets obliterated, half of their legion dies in an expedition trying to save a lost boy and Erwin… loses an arm.

It’s the last of those that really shakes Levi.

He hates himself for having done nothing, for having sat powerless while Erwin moved out with his entire squad – but Levi had had faith. Faith that this time would turn around much like the last time he had waited on Erwin to return from outside the Walls. But when the bells had tolled to announce their arrival, Levi had run out of the barracks – all faith forgotten, just the desperation to see Erwin okay fueling him forward. He had limped through the scores of wounded soldiers, ignoring their stares. He had wanted to scream at them to just blurt it out already when, from the corner of his eyes, he had spotted Erwin being carried in on a stretcher…

He had lived; Levi is glad for that. But by God, what life? How could he command his forces with just one arm? How could he fight and lead his people to victory? Levi had assumed it would crush him, Levi had assumed that it would be it, that losing an arm would finally deter him… But of course, Levi had been too presumptuous. _Of course_ , Erwin wouldn’t let an opportunity like this slide. Because his own life be _damned_!

Levi thinks he’ll go mad from anger if he stays around Erwin too long. He wants to scream at Erwin, remind him of all the vows they made to each other but he can’t really – because Erwin is in the right, here. He’s fulfilling his duty as a husband and a Commander. So what if his reasons are selfish? They all have selfish reasons. Even Levi – he wants to protect Erwin, that’s his reason. Levi doesn’t understand _why_ he’s so angry with him, then. Levi has tended to a hundred wounded soldiers and is intimately aware of what the face of humanity looks like when it’s moments from death. Why, then, does he expect Erwin to be different? Why, then, does he extend everyone the luxury of being flawed and human… but not his own husband?

Levi needs some air; he shuts the door behind himself and takes a walk out to the city to clear his head. He ends up in a dark alley, crouched down with the heels of his palm pressed firmly to his eyes until sparks dance behind his eyelids and take away the image of his husband’s lifeless corpse on yet another stretcher. The soldiers dance and sing and celebrate – for it is the night before they finally take back the land that was lost to Titans five years ago – and Levi sulks in a corner, contemplating the dubious humanity of Erwin Smith.

But at the end of the night, it’s back to Erwin where he finds himself, back to their room. Back home. Fuck, if walls could talk, the tales this room would tell…

Erwin is sleeping curled up on his side when Levi comes home. He’s wearing nothing, absolutely nothing at all. In another life, he would marvel at his husband’s tall, tanned body laid out against their sheets, but right now Levi’s eyes get caught at the stump on his arm, and his throat closes up in grief.

Erwin turns around when the bed dips under Levi’s weight. His eyes are welling up with tears, making the blue irises shine even brighter in the moonlight. “Levi?” his voice cracks on a sob, and Levi is only so strong.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Levi tries to comfort him, shedding his own clothes and wrapping his body around Erwin’s, all grievances forgotten at the sight of Erwin’s face contorted in pain. “What’s wrong?” Levi asks.

“M-my arm,” he forces out through clenched teeth.

Erwin is in so much pain his complexion is ashen. His natural golden skin has sunken in tone to something so lifeless it scares Levi just to look at him. His eyes close and he sucks himself into a deeper place to cope and all Levi can do is stroke his golden-gray hair and hold his hand. It doesn't seem enough but there's nothing more he can do. Levi’s eyes remain fixed on his face in a soft stare so that whenever he opens his eyes, Levi is the first thing he sees. When the screams come, Erwin muffles them in Levi’s shoulder, and all Levi can do is hold him and shush him and reassure him that things will be all right. When the screams end, Erwin goes quiet, just panting, and Levi thinks the pain has subsided until it comes back – worse than before.

 

“ _Be inside me_ ,” Erwin pleads him, “Be inside me, be inside me, be inside me. _Levi_ ,” he cries - and Levi has never cried before, not even when his entire squad died, but he cries at this, to have Erwin in so much pain, right in his arms, and be entirely powerless to do anything to fix it.

“Erwin, are you sure –”

“Please, Levi, please,” he raises his head from the crook of Levi’s shoulder and holds his face in his hand. “I need this, it hurts so bad, Levi, please…”

Levi nods slowly, and moves the sheets from Erwin’s body leaving it bare to the moonlight. Sweat sheens on the man’s forehead, and under the light Levi can finally see all the bruises those Military pigs left on his body. His eye has healed almost completely now, but his arm, his sides, his stomach, his thighs – all of the places that Levi has cherished and kissed and loved in this room, in this little tiny corner of the world that is theirs, and theirs alone – all of them are now a bright throbbing blue. Levi brings his mouth down on them, travelling from Erwin’s collarbone, down his torso to pepper kisses on his thighs. He spreads his legs softly and takes him into his mouth. Erwin’s cries of pain dissolve into something half-way between pleasure and discomfort, and Levi continues, spurred on by Erwin’s sighs of encouragement. Erwin shoves his fist into his mouth when he feels the pain coming back, and Levi works more feverishly between his thighs, ever a worthy challenger. He eases Erwin’s legs onto his shoulders, raises his hips up and guides his tongue past his balls, hands parting the cheeks to lave gently at his opening.

Erwin _writhes,_ in pain and pleasure and everything in between. He can’t take it anymore. Between the long, drawn out licks of Levi’s tongue, and the sharp tweaks of his fingers at his chest, Erwin is thirsting for the taste of Levi’s lips on his. He tilts his head, and raises Levi up from between his thighs to mash their lips together, tongues slipping in. He feels the tendrils of pain tightening around his body and he breaks away from Levi’s mouth, panting.

“Be inside me,” he croaks, voice sticky with tears, still shaking. He licks his dry lips and adds a broken “Levi, please.”

… and Levi is only so strong.

There’s no pain in Erwin’s face as Levi slides in - or if there is, it's a welcome distraction from the overwhelming pain of his arm. Erwin places his left hand on Levi’s ass, pulling Levi further inside him, deeper inside him. He shakes out another sob as Levi hits a spot in him that had been forgotten for _so long,_ and buries his face in Levi’s neck, relaxing under the satisfying weight of Levi over him. Erwin’s cock juts out rosy between his spread thighs and Levi – ever the attentive lover – slides his hand down Erwin’s side and wraps it around his burgeoning flesh. Erwin hisses through gritted teeth at first, the discomfort of a dry hand tugging at him that slowly eases into something far more pleasurable as their bodies slide together more smoothly. The stimulation is too much and before long, Erwin finds himself tumbling towards a breathtaking climax, toes curling, spine arching, body spasming around Levi’s in steady clenches that has Levi spilling warm and sticky inside him.

 

The sun is coming up outside their windows now, and Erwin knows that when the clock strikes six, they’ll all have to move out again. But for now, Levi lies exhausted on his chest - a warm comfortable weight against cold bruises that were denied the tender care of a lover’s hand for so long. Erwin looks down at Levi’s form and touches his face with his left hand, careful not to rouse Levi as he tilts his head to place a kiss to the top of his damp forehead. Levi does not even stir, and Erwin finds that he does not have it in him to wake Levi to murmur a final “I love you” to his skin.  

 

**July**

The ocean breathes, her surface rising and falling with rhythmic ease, the waves her pulse, an echo of the world she harbors in her cradle of brine. The water is gentle as Levi wades through it, the sunset like orange paint on a blue canvas. Soft. Warm. Levi can’t help the tears from falling as he marvels at the view in awe.

He hears the water splash and a warm presence come to a stop next to him. Levi takes hold of it to support himself, knowing instinctively who it is.

“It’s so beautiful, Erwin…” he says.

 

Six years. It's been six years since he met Erwin. Six wonderful, disastrous years with the most wonderful disaster of a man Levi has ever known. When Levi joined the Scouts, he had been twenty-eight to Erwin’s thirty-two – a young man, with no purpose or ambition but to live to see the next day and the one after that and so on... But now, he stands, hand in hand with the man he swore to kill, the man who gave his life a purpose, the man he has devoted the last six years of his life to – and he can’t help but awe at his luck. Six years. Six tumultuous, _beatifically_ joyful years, filled with tears and laughter and love, and today, they all culminate into this.

The ocean. A wide expanse as far as Levi’s eyes can see.

 

Levi turns his head to look at Erwin, the most beaming smile on the man’s face that Levi has ever seen, and he thinks the sunset has nothing on that – that breathtaking beauty of a lover’s smile. Erwin turns his eyes down to Levi’s, eyebrows raised inquisitively. Levi’s hand reaches up and traces the red Titan marks on his cheeks, and Erwin’s eyes flutter shut at the feeling, right hand going up to press reverent caresses to Levi’s outstretched arm.

Erwin bends his head down to meet Levi’s lips in a warm kiss, ignoring the ocean as she protests loudly around him – offended, that even in sight of her majestic beauty, he is still as lost in Levi, as Levi is in him.


End file.
